Monday, December 31, 2007


For the past year I have been running and writing, and loving, in circles, trying to make generalizations of the chaotic bits I inhabit. Generalizations help me focus. In business it is called the “key”, in theology the “essence”. I want to focus so I can go on with a clear path. Funny though, I’ve been going in circles all this time. I repeat my mistakes, I’m stuck in a mould, and in the bigger picture, I’m trapped in the big circle that of life and death.

So I find myself in the urgent mission to elude that circle, to try something odd, so as to cheat the circle of certainty, the bits that are essentially “the bits” that I’m to go by. If I believed in Karma, I would say: “I’m trying to run away from my karma just because if karma is the repetition of my previous life (not a punishment, as a friend assured me), then what I’m doing I’ve done before, and since time is short (people in my family croak or go insane around 60) then I’ve 20 years left of running wild the open field of sheer randomness.

I’m thinking about God, and what it means to have a power that decides things in advance. I’m thinking about the forces that make the circle go round. I’m thinking about the stepping forward (we always go towards the future never towards the past, in terms of time) and the logical conclusion that the result occurs after the intention.

Last things first: the result follows the intention. The vibe of godly bliss from having lungs full of pure air after a walk in the forest. It doesn’t commonly start with wanting to kiss your neighbour because you are in a good mood, followed by lungs full of good air, and then the apparition of a healthy lush green (or multicoloured) wet forest. Same with the hellish nightmare of migraine grumpiness after a whole day of grey polluted Beijing sky. It never goes by a bad mood with wanting to kill your neighbour going as far as creating a polluted sky. Therefore, vibes are created by the energy emanating from organic matters. In cartoons we see unnatural cycles. A super hero gets so angry he turns green and all hell breaks loose with supernatural power. We sort of have similar super heroes playing god in our own world where pissed off people dress up in uniforms and blast people to bits with supernaturally powerful technology.

Still, the whole cycle of hate-war starts with an intention created by a vibe that comes from an energy that is produced by organic matter. My neighbour’s house is so enticingly suave that it makes me want to make money to be able to get a house like that so I start to sell supernaturally harmful devices, pocket the money and then buy his house. Or build one bigger than his right on the edge of the limit of his land. With a huge double carpark.

So if the intention follows the energy release of matter, than matter must be God, because God created. That is what everybody says. We, our karma, our destiny, is governed by the ultimate matter. But there is an intention that sprouted that matter in the first place (I really want to have sex with this guy and then I get pregnant). So perhaps the intention precedes what matters. Therefore, God is the intention. Please don’t tell me God is everywhere and is everything. It gets redundant. And it’s a pretty boring statement because it is one huge generalization. It takes the shine off the crown. Or the thorn.

I am still preoccupied by this circle thing and seeing all that matters ends up with a resulting matter. This is a loop. A loop is a circle. And perhaps God has nothing to do with it. Perhaps there is no God sitting in the centre of it all, pulling the centre so the circle goes round and round. And if God is sitting in the centre making the circle go round faster then, some other God has to be pulling on our God’s centre. Yes, I read somewhere, perhaps science fiction, perhaps somewhere in a new religion that there is an ultimate God, that our God is just an offshoot, and that the ultimate God is not interested in our world. So this God, the one not interested in our world, is not part of our circle. So therefore, he/she/God is the answer to my breaking the circle.

If there is an ultimate being, not interested in us, then he/she/God has nothing to do with our resulting karma. He/she/God is sort of a negation in the sense of pure randomness, a line out of the circle, a stick in the wheel. Anyway, this way out has given me an idea to break out of the circle of... well it’s a personal matter but in general terms it is a circle of love-career-love-career-etc resulting in so far as not too much. Seeing I am stuck in the circle of it. And my way out is neither to follow the resulting matters (I vow never to love again and concentrate on my career, which gives my career a boosts until I get so horny, until I love again, and then the career takes a drop, until I make a move to reinstall the career and love falls, until...) and to chose an alternative that is out of the circle.

I can hear tango right there. I am at this point of my new year resolution neither ready to kiss writing goodbye, or feel good about being single. But tango is one way out of the circle that is very attractive.

Let’s see, let’s see if I can grab on the stick in my wheel, crawl along it, and save from the floods writing, and love. I might be able to move in another circle.

Happy new year!